Major Changes

Things are difficult.  The kids and I are now in Utah and R has gone back to Washington.  Dropping him off at the airport today was the hardest thing.  We drove down on Thursday and then spent a couple of days hanging out.  I wasn't ready for him to leave.  And it sucks.  

I'm trying to get things put together here at my mom's house so that we're comfortable.  But it's not like we moved into a big empty space.  Her stuff is everywhere.  There is a lot to do.  Tomorrow is a big air show and A is taking the 2 little kids to see it.  That way I can get a bunch of things done...or just take a long long nap.

I have neck surgery scheduled for July 18th.  I am really nervous.  I still keep going back and forth about whether or not I should do it.  I want the kids to have a fun summer and I won't be able to do much with them after I have that done.  It's such a big decision.

I hope that things will get easier but I'm not holding my breath.  

Some People

Sometimes I want to punch people right in the face.  I don't know if I'm just overly sensitive right now or what but today has been one of those days.  I was doing ok.  I slept until about 11am and then got up to help with the packing and hauling to the storage unit.  I felt bad that R had been working so hard to get things done.  We ran a couple of loads and then decided to go get more bubble wrap and tape at Walmart.  As we were walking into Walmart there were some men out in front wanting people to sign a petition.  "A way to get Washington state to hear your voice."  R stopped to hear what the man had to say.  I kept walking once I noticed that the sign on their table had the reasons for the petition and one of them was "KEEP GUNS AWAY FROM CRAZY PEOPLE".  I was so upset when I walked into the store.  I just kept walking and walking.  When we were leaving I decided that instead of keeping all the bother inside myself I would say something to the men.  I decided I would be really nice but to let them know that what was written on that sign was very offensive to people with mental illness.  We went out and there were some people signing the petition.  I asked one of the men if he was with the group just to make sure I was talking to the right person.  I told him that I thought that the CRAZY part of the sign was not a nice way to advertise what they are trying to get across.  For people with mental illness, like myself, it's a very harsh, mean word.  He said that it was meant to be a joke.  I again stated that for those with mental illness, being called CRAZY isn't a joke.  I said thank you and walked away feeling a little better except that I don't think this man really understood what I was trying to say to him.  I couldn't stop thinking about it and on our next trip to storage, I made my husband drive past and see if the sign still said the same thing.  They were packing up and ready to leave so I didn't get to see the sign and I was really bugged.  I told him I was going to drive by tomorrow and see if they have the sign.  He wanted to know what my "next move" was going to be.  I don't have a next move.  I guess it's just the way I've been feeling lately.  Very vulnerable and touchy.  There I admit it.  I just don't want anyone else saying it to me.  The End.

Thoughts I'm Having Today

I have a lot of crazy things running through my head today.  Things that happened over my life that I have no control of and that I can't ever change.  Things that have caused certain feelings and issues with people that I love and care about.  Earlier I couldn't control any of this.  Now I sit down to try and get it all out and my mind doesn't want to cooperate.  

I look back on my life and realize now that I have had mental problems for most of the 41 years I've been alive.  I see it in things I have done and thoughts I've had.  I see it in relationships that I've had and relationships that I have ruined.  I am very lucky at this point in my life, that my oldest daughter even talks to me.  Between my mental issues and the little understanding of those issues by people close to her, it is a miracle.  I feel like I can't explain things to anyone because they take it as making excuses.  For example, I'm upset and I say something that hurts someones feelings.  I apologize but I know the hurt is still there.  This happens all the time with my husband.  I can say some pretty harsh things to him not always necessarily about him.  I apologize and say that I wasn't myself and he just doesn't accept apologies anymore.  I know that all the time I'm waiting to hit a downward spiral, he too is waiting to have these attacks launched at him.  

I was divorced very early in my oldest daughters life.  I was very young, hadn't gotten over placing a baby for adoption and then having my daughter, and I just didn't want to be married anymore.  I was a very good mother.  I didn't always make the best decision about people to date and to have in my daughters life.  My emotions and thoughts were a roller coaster even back then.  I know that because she was the closest to me, she saw me at some of my worst times.  Move forward a few years to her father getting remarried to someone that I never cared for before, someone that needed to run everything in everyone's lives, and things just went downhill.  I didn't like being told what was going to happen with my daughter.  I didn't want to live by someone else's schedule and rules.  Especially when that someone wasn't the biological parent.  Things were said and done and at 14 I pretty much lost my daughter.  I still feel like I'm the outsider in her life.  I'm not her favorite parent, not even close.  I hate the feeling that I have inside.  I feel like if I try to talk to her and explain how I feel and what has been going on in my head for all these years, that her dad and step-mom will tell her it's a bunch of shit and that I'm just manipulating her.  That's been their favorite word to use to describe me for years.  And maybe part of that is true.  I never had the money to buy her like they can.  

I don't know how to take any step toward making things right with them so that things will be ok with her.  I don't even think it's possible.  I feel like they are always judging me.  I still don't make great choices and that's part of why our little family is in this position now.  Are there things that I would go back and change?  Yes in a heartbeat.  But only if that meant that the outcome would be as it is now.  A lot of my bad choices and decision have influenced where I am today.  How can I say that I would change those if it meant not having my kids and my husband.  Why does life have to be so complicated?  It's days like today that I just don't want to do it anymore.  It would be so much easier to just shut this defective brain down for good.  There's only so much that one person can handle.