I have a lot of crazy things running through my head today. Things that happened over my life that I have no control of and that I can't ever change. Things that have caused certain feelings and issues with people that I love and care about. Earlier I couldn't control any of this. Now I sit down to try and get it all out and my mind doesn't want to cooperate.
I look back on my life and realize now that I have had mental problems for most of the 41 years I've been alive. I see it in things I have done and thoughts I've had. I see it in relationships that I've had and relationships that I have ruined. I am very lucky at this point in my life, that my oldest daughter even talks to me. Between my mental issues and the little understanding of those issues by people close to her, it is a miracle. I feel like I can't explain things to anyone because they take it as making excuses. For example, I'm upset and I say something that hurts someones feelings. I apologize but I know the hurt is still there. This happens all the time with my husband. I can say some pretty harsh things to him not always necessarily about him. I apologize and say that I wasn't myself and he just doesn't accept apologies anymore. I know that all the time I'm waiting to hit a downward spiral, he too is waiting to have these attacks launched at him.
I was divorced very early in my oldest daughters life. I was very young, hadn't gotten over placing a baby for adoption and then having my daughter, and I just didn't want to be married anymore. I was a very good mother. I didn't always make the best decision about people to date and to have in my daughters life. My emotions and thoughts were a roller coaster even back then. I know that because she was the closest to me, she saw me at some of my worst times. Move forward a few years to her father getting remarried to someone that I never cared for before, someone that needed to run everything in everyone's lives, and things just went downhill. I didn't like being told what was going to happen with my daughter. I didn't want to live by someone else's schedule and rules. Especially when that someone wasn't the biological parent. Things were said and done and at 14 I pretty much lost my daughter. I still feel like I'm the outsider in her life. I'm not her favorite parent, not even close. I hate the feeling that I have inside. I feel like if I try to talk to her and explain how I feel and what has been going on in my head for all these years, that her dad and step-mom will tell her it's a bunch of shit and that I'm just manipulating her. That's been their favorite word to use to describe me for years. And maybe part of that is true. I never had the money to buy her like they can.
I don't know how to take any step toward making things right with them so that things will be ok with her. I don't even think it's possible. I feel like they are always judging me. I still don't make great choices and that's part of why our little family is in this position now. Are there things that I would go back and change? Yes in a heartbeat. But only if that meant that the outcome would be as it is now. A lot of my bad choices and decision have influenced where I am today. How can I say that I would change those if it meant not having my kids and my husband. Why does life have to be so complicated? It's days like today that I just don't want to do it anymore. It would be so much easier to just shut this defective brain down for good. There's only so much that one person can handle.
