I'm a mess...

Let me start out by saying that I am completely lost in life.  I don't know which way to turn from one minute to the next.  I honestly have never had my brain feel so messed up.  I can't ever turn it off.  If just goes and goes and drives me crazy!  If it's not about one thing, it's another.  I have no patience for anything or anyone.  The only time that I can shut things off is when I'm sleeping.  I would sleep 24/7 if I could.  Things have gotten significantly worse since November when we moved to Washington state.  Then about a month or two ago, I could another dive.  I finally found the strength it took to locate a doctor that I've now seen 3 times.  He's adjusted my meds and completely taken me off one of them and I am a mess.  At times I can't breath.  There are times when I just want to run away.  A lot of the times I think that I just don't want to be here anymore.  

My husband left a few days ago for a 3 week training 16 hours away.  I can barely function now.  My kids don't understand what is wrong with me.  They just want a normal mom that is like everyone else's mom.  Maybe I could find them one to take my place.  Depression and anxiety are two of the most horrible things.  I wouldn't wish them on anyone.  Now my husband, who is my security blanket and can always make things at least a little better, is gone.  Instead of knowing that he is only 45 minutes away at the most, and will be home soon, he's so far away.  

I don't want help.  I don't want someone coming and fixing my kids dinner.  I don't want to call my doctor and have him tell me there is nothing that he can do.  I don't want anyone calling and asking if I'm ok because of course I'll say that I am.  I don't want kids friends coming over because then I have to pretend I'm ok and I'm not.  I just want to be alone.  I just want to have my kids home and know they are safe.  I just want my husband home to help me feel safe.  I just want to feel normal, whatever normal is.