Things are getting worse by the minute. I have been fighting this horrible sinus infection but I don't think that I'm getting any better. Everyday I wake up hoping that something has changed but it doesn't.
I have been having horrible nightmares every single night. Along with that, both kids have been ending up in my bed which makes it impossible to sleep. I do love hearing their breathing. I love having them close to me. Sometimes M likes to be a little too close and I'll wake up with her head in my ribs or she's turned sideways, kicking me in the back.
I have got to find some kind of job that I can do from home or go to while the kids are at school. We are about to lose everything and that can't happen. We already lost everything when we moved up here in November. We've been trying to catch up but "caught up" always seems to get further and further away. We can't keep living like this. I search and search for jobs but can't seem to find anyone that wants an old stay at home mom that hasn't worked for 7 years. I couldn't even get a cashier job!
I don't know how to handle our lives falling apart again. I'm not sure that I can make it through it. I keep getting my hopes up every time R applies for a different position at work. I think that things will get better, we can stop stressing over every dollar. Then his stupid company finds some reason as to why he can't change jobs. He hasn't been in this "craft" long enough...the union won't allow it...someone is on vacation so he has to stay where he is. They seriously treat the best employee like garbage.
Lately I haven't been able to stand my kids having friends around. I just want to be at my house alone. I want to be sleeping so that I don't have to think about all the things going wrong in our lives. My heart hurts with all the stress and worry. Can we please get a break on all the things going wrong and enjoy our lives? I worry that R is going to stress himself to death. What have we done wrong in our lives that makes it so we have to live like this? I just don't understand. I didn't think that we are bad people. I'm sad and frustrated and lonely and I just want to go back to bed.
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