Major Changes

Things are difficult.  The kids and I are now in Utah and R has gone back to Washington.  Dropping him off at the airport today was the hardest thing.  We drove down on Thursday and then spent a couple of days hanging out.  I wasn't ready for him to leave.  And it sucks.  

I'm trying to get things put together here at my mom's house so that we're comfortable.  But it's not like we moved into a big empty space.  Her stuff is everywhere.  There is a lot to do.  Tomorrow is a big air show and A is taking the 2 little kids to see it.  That way I can get a bunch of things done...or just take a long long nap.

I have neck surgery scheduled for July 18th.  I am really nervous.  I still keep going back and forth about whether or not I should do it.  I want the kids to have a fun summer and I won't be able to do much with them after I have that done.  It's such a big decision.

I hope that things will get easier but I'm not holding my breath.  

Some People

Sometimes I want to punch people right in the face.  I don't know if I'm just overly sensitive right now or what but today has been one of those days.  I was doing ok.  I slept until about 11am and then got up to help with the packing and hauling to the storage unit.  I felt bad that R had been working so hard to get things done.  We ran a couple of loads and then decided to go get more bubble wrap and tape at Walmart.  As we were walking into Walmart there were some men out in front wanting people to sign a petition.  "A way to get Washington state to hear your voice."  R stopped to hear what the man had to say.  I kept walking once I noticed that the sign on their table had the reasons for the petition and one of them was "KEEP GUNS AWAY FROM CRAZY PEOPLE".  I was so upset when I walked into the store.  I just kept walking and walking.  When we were leaving I decided that instead of keeping all the bother inside myself I would say something to the men.  I decided I would be really nice but to let them know that what was written on that sign was very offensive to people with mental illness.  We went out and there were some people signing the petition.  I asked one of the men if he was with the group just to make sure I was talking to the right person.  I told him that I thought that the CRAZY part of the sign was not a nice way to advertise what they are trying to get across.  For people with mental illness, like myself, it's a very harsh, mean word.  He said that it was meant to be a joke.  I again stated that for those with mental illness, being called CRAZY isn't a joke.  I said thank you and walked away feeling a little better except that I don't think this man really understood what I was trying to say to him.  I couldn't stop thinking about it and on our next trip to storage, I made my husband drive past and see if the sign still said the same thing.  They were packing up and ready to leave so I didn't get to see the sign and I was really bugged.  I told him I was going to drive by tomorrow and see if they have the sign.  He wanted to know what my "next move" was going to be.  I don't have a next move.  I guess it's just the way I've been feeling lately.  Very vulnerable and touchy.  There I admit it.  I just don't want anyone else saying it to me.  The End.

Thoughts I'm Having Today

I have a lot of crazy things running through my head today.  Things that happened over my life that I have no control of and that I can't ever change.  Things that have caused certain feelings and issues with people that I love and care about.  Earlier I couldn't control any of this.  Now I sit down to try and get it all out and my mind doesn't want to cooperate.  

I look back on my life and realize now that I have had mental problems for most of the 41 years I've been alive.  I see it in things I have done and thoughts I've had.  I see it in relationships that I've had and relationships that I have ruined.  I am very lucky at this point in my life, that my oldest daughter even talks to me.  Between my mental issues and the little understanding of those issues by people close to her, it is a miracle.  I feel like I can't explain things to anyone because they take it as making excuses.  For example, I'm upset and I say something that hurts someones feelings.  I apologize but I know the hurt is still there.  This happens all the time with my husband.  I can say some pretty harsh things to him not always necessarily about him.  I apologize and say that I wasn't myself and he just doesn't accept apologies anymore.  I know that all the time I'm waiting to hit a downward spiral, he too is waiting to have these attacks launched at him.  

I was divorced very early in my oldest daughters life.  I was very young, hadn't gotten over placing a baby for adoption and then having my daughter, and I just didn't want to be married anymore.  I was a very good mother.  I didn't always make the best decision about people to date and to have in my daughters life.  My emotions and thoughts were a roller coaster even back then.  I know that because she was the closest to me, she saw me at some of my worst times.  Move forward a few years to her father getting remarried to someone that I never cared for before, someone that needed to run everything in everyone's lives, and things just went downhill.  I didn't like being told what was going to happen with my daughter.  I didn't want to live by someone else's schedule and rules.  Especially when that someone wasn't the biological parent.  Things were said and done and at 14 I pretty much lost my daughter.  I still feel like I'm the outsider in her life.  I'm not her favorite parent, not even close.  I hate the feeling that I have inside.  I feel like if I try to talk to her and explain how I feel and what has been going on in my head for all these years, that her dad and step-mom will tell her it's a bunch of shit and that I'm just manipulating her.  That's been their favorite word to use to describe me for years.  And maybe part of that is true.  I never had the money to buy her like they can.  

I don't know how to take any step toward making things right with them so that things will be ok with her.  I don't even think it's possible.  I feel like they are always judging me.  I still don't make great choices and that's part of why our little family is in this position now.  Are there things that I would go back and change?  Yes in a heartbeat.  But only if that meant that the outcome would be as it is now.  A lot of my bad choices and decision have influenced where I am today.  How can I say that I would change those if it meant not having my kids and my husband.  Why does life have to be so complicated?  It's days like today that I just don't want to do it anymore.  It would be so much easier to just shut this defective brain down for good.  There's only so much that one person can handle.

What Should We Do?

We are down to 6 days.  6 days and we are supposed to be out of our house.  We haven't done anything.  We haven't packed up one thing.  We have been looking for a place to move but so far haven't found anything.  If we can stay close enough the kids can keep going to their same school for the last month and next year.  I wish they were finishing with school this week like the kids in Utah.  That would make my life so much easier.  Well, at least I wouldn't have to wake up and make lunches every morning.  I'm so done with that.  

I thought that when R came home from his work trip it would help me feel so much better.  But it hasn't and I don't.  I can't focus on anything.  I'm great at making lists and looking around and seeing things that I need to do but when it comes down to actually accomplishing things I just can't do it.  I don't know if I'm waiting for some kind of miracle to happen or what.  Something to come in and save us so that we don't have to uproot our kids again.  The kids are strong and I know that they are stronger than I even realize.  I'm just sick of shit happening to us.  I want something good to happen.  Like a good promotion for R at work.  Like letting us stay in our house.  Like not constantly having to worry about what is going to hit us next.

Decisions

Decisions are hard.  I don't like to make them.  They lead to change which is even harder than making the decision in the first place.  We had to make a decision to leave our home state where we'd lived for 40+ years and move to the unknown.  We thought we were doing the right thing and that it would be so great for our little family.  We have seen and done some amazing things.  The kids have done really well in school, better than they were doing before we left.  The thought of going back kind of makes me sick.  I have grown attached to our house and find comfort being here.  We have our routine and everything around us that we need.  I have been praying, obviously I need to pray a little harder.  I can't wait until R gets home in a few days so that we can talk face to face and make this very hard decision together.  It's been so difficult having him so far away while going through this stress.  

Upside Down

Just like that our lives are turned upside down again.  3 day notice to catch up our slightly behind rent or move out.  I'm here alone with 2 kids that are seriously trying to see how fast they can drive me insane.  And then that happens.  

I cancelled my doctor appointment for the second week in a row.  I can't even deal with going and talking to someone that is supposed to be helping me.  

I can't believe this is happening when the kids still have a month left of school.  I sat and looked at places online last night.  None of them are places that I'd even consider moving into.  They're all horrible!  

I have never been homeless.  I have never felt like there is not place for me to go.  I have never felt like if I leave my house that I'm not going to be able to get back in it.  I have never felt like I'm going to lose all that is important to me in my house.

I want to run away.  I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  I want to die but I don't want to kill myself.  I want this nightmare that is my life to be over with.

Just When Things Can't Get Worse

I am definitely on the edge.  Every single day I think that not one more thing can happen so make me feel any worse...and then it does.  

Yesterday we needed to get out of the house.  It was cloudy and raining so I took the kids 25 minutes away to Chick-fil-a.  I didn't even realize that it had a play area until we got there.  L is almost too big for the play area.  That will be a sad day.  We spent about 2 hours there.  They played and played and had a great time.  I actually got to sit and do nothing for that whole time.  I just watched people and talked to a couple of other people.  It was pretty nice to have a few minutes to myself, if you can call it that.  Toward the end of our time there, I guess my kids started fighting in the play area.  I actually had a lady come over and tell me that they weren't being very nice to each other.  She said it so that the whole packed restaurant could hear her.  I wanted to punch her in the face.  They weren't hurting other kids, they were just acting like an exhausted brother and sister.  I think that some people need to mind their own business.  My anxiety went through the roof.  I bought the kids their ice cream and we left.

Late last night I got incredibly sick to my stomach.  It hit me so hard.  Just really nauseous and I could hardly move or the room started spinning.  For some reason that's when my kids act the worse.   This morning we got up and ate breakfast.  I hadn't slept at all last night.  I know that the sun was coming up when I finally started to drift to sleep around 6:30 am or so.  After we ate breakfast and the dog was taken care of, I went back up to lay on my bed.  And I crashed.  I know the kids came and asked me if they could go outside.  I guess that I said yes.  A little while later, they came home and said that there was a lady at the door because of something they had done.  Neither of them would even begin to tell me what happened.  So I went to the door and our nice neighbor was there to tell me what they had done.  Along the one side of our HOA there is a wooden fence that is up against the woods.  They had been over there and kicked out about 5 or 6 boards.  Guess who gets to go fix it so that we don't get a fine?  ME!!  Because I really know what I'm doing when it comes to fixing fences.  I have never been so upset.  I didn't lose my temper with them but I wanted to.  I just don't have the strength to deal with it anymore.

I'm ready to give up on life altogether.  There is only so much that someone in my condition can take.  I am all alone, no family and no friends to help me.  I just can't keep going on like this.  I don't know what my options or my next step will be.

Sincerely, Can't Keep Doing This